Stop Asking Me This

Stop Asking Me This

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Photo by Sam Xu on Unsplash

If you’re new here, you might not know that I suffer from chronic pelvic pain.

I’ve recently had surgery to investigate the cause of this, which I’ll find out in a few weeks, but the running assumption is that I have endometriosis.

If you don’t know, endometriosis is a condition where the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus, which causes pain along with a whole bunch of other symptoms that vary.

Endometriosis can also cause infertility.

And this, funnily enough is usually the thing people know about endometriosis.

It is also the thing that people seem to feel most comfortable about asking me, and it’s often the first question out of their mouth.

‘So can you still have kids?’

The first few times I heard this I was floored.

What exactly is the response that you want to this?

Do you want me to burst into tears and tell you that I can’t bear children?

Do you want to be able to congratulate me on being a success story for managing to keep my womb suitable for a fetus?

How is this an okay thing to ask?

Now I don’t know whether or not this condition has made me infertile.

I also can tell you that this question is rarely asked by someone close to me.

But all I can think about anytime anyone asks this is, firstly, excuse me what right do you think you have to ask me that???

And then that clip of Chrissy Teigen a few years ago (I’ll link it here) talking about how awful it is when people ask women when they’re going to have kids, because one day you’re going to ask the wrong girl who is really struggling and that is going to devastate her.

Fortunately for anyone who has ever thought to ask me this, I have no interest in having children, and apparently that is an open invitation to critique my choices.

I can walk you through all of my responses for that conversation:

-Yes I’m still young (although apparently not too young to question my fertility)

-Whether or not I change my mind in the future has absolutely nothing to do with you (or you starting this conversation)

-You/your daughter/ niece/ sister/ friend who said they never wanted kids but now has kids is not me

-My life won’t be incomplete without me having children fulfilling my apparent purpose as a woman

-Yes I work with kids

-Yes I like kids, I just don’t want one.

If it wasn’t clear, on the behalf of every woman who has ever said she doesn’t want children, this is not an opportunity to comment on that choice.

And please please stop fucking asking me if I’m infertile.

If for no other reason at all, it’s none of your goddamn business.

My value does not lie in my ability to be impregnated and carry a child to term, and asking me this has only ever made me believe that’s what you think my purpose as a woman is.

So, in conclusion, the next time someone tells you they have endo (or anything else alike) maybe ask them if they want a heat pack or something, not if their condition will impair their ability to have children.

Love,

Mal xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

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