I’m So Tired (Always)

I’m So Tired (Always)

Chronic pain is exhausting.

Because pain is exhausting, but then when that pain stops you from sleeping, cutting down the hours and quality that you need to function, it ruins any chance your body has for extra rest to recover from that pain your body has been through.

So you wake up tired.

And sore.

While it’s not exactly the same, if you suffer from anxiety attacks it’s like when you have a particularly bad one and then you wake up the next morning feeling like complete trash.

Except it’s a lot of the time.

It’s sort of like waking up with a hangover, but worse… I’ve never woken up after a big night feeling as bad as I can feel because of my endometriosis and chronic pain.

I first started to write this post months ago because of something I saw on Instagram that really hit home.

The post, by Lees on @endohealthhub talked about exhaustion and endometriosis, and just how different it is to just being tired.

This resonated with me to the point that I was almost in tears.

This is something that people who don’t live with a chronic health/pain condition will never understand, which is good, you’re lucky that you can’t get it because that means you don’t have to feel like this.

As much as your average stressful, busy week where you’ve gotten less hours of shut eye than you needed is valid, this is so far beyond that.

But please, just stop giving me advice that would help you when you’re tired.

Getting an early night seems like a great idea, however I slept for 13 hours and I still can’t get out of bed.

Some mornings I wake up and I can’t roll over, let alone get up.

And contrary to popular belief, getting up and not sleeping all day isn’t going to make me feel better, because I probably lost enough sleep last night in pain to warrant more than a nap and again, can’t actually get out of bed.

I have so many days where I can’t physically get up, so while just kick starting your day might work wonders for you, it’s not achievable for me so much of the time.

Put perfectly in Lees’ post, ‘we run on a 4-5/ 10 Pain 24/7, 7 days a week’, and you will probably never be able to comprehend how exhausting that is.

To put that into perspective, a surgeon explained the pain scale out of 10 as:

1-3 present but manageable

4-6 need to change what you’re doing due to pain

7-10 pain needing you to present in hospital

I should note that I’ve never presented in emergency because of my endometriosis (even though almost every member of my family has tried to call an ambulance for me at some point) because my GP told me they would turn me away.

From my experience with this condition and medical professionals, I don’t doubt that and considering my 7+ pain makes me unable to sit I’m not going to be spending hours in a waiting room for him to be right.

I like to refer to my baseline pain as π, low and never ending.

It’s really never not present in some form.

The physiotherapist I am seeing as part of a clinical trial to manage my pain has made me think about my exhaustion from another angle too, my body is constantly operating in ‘fight or flight’, trying to protect me from the pain I am experiencing.

Our bodies are not meant to spend so much time like this, it uses too much energy, which makes understanding why I’m so exhausted a little easier.

Easier for me to understand, to stop beating myself up over.

Because when you’re not in pain that should stop you from doing things at that moment but you still have to cancel plans, or miss classes because you’re physically exhausted, it gets to you.

It’s hard not to feel like you’re just lazy or useless.

Because I’m just so so so tired.

But having people who don’t experience it kind of get it helps, because then I can get a little less worked up about what everyone around me is thinking about my inability to function a lot of the time.

Love,

Mal xx

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Three Months Post Endometriosis Operation

Three Months Post Endometriosis Operation

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Just over three months ago I had surgery.

I feel like a broken record at this point but, in summary, I had a laparoscopy to investigate and excise endometriosis and had a mirena inserted while I was under (for more on that you can check out my surgery and recovery post here).

Since I put up that post, I’ve had my post-op appointment and started in a physiotherapy clinical trial at my hospital.

In my follow up appointment I got to see photos of inside my pelvis from the surgery and where the tissue they removed was, and had it confirmed that it was in fact endometriosis. Read more

Tackling the ‘Endo Bloat’

Tackling the ‘Endo Bloat’

Left: Relatively recent side on photo of my stomach
Right: My stomach during a recent bad endo flare up, underwear are digging into my stomach halfway up and leggings are covering my underwear.

I feel like I start every post that pertains to my chronic pain like this but hi, my name’s Mal and I have endometriosis.

Along with a delightful cocktail of other life-impinging symptoms, I, like 83% of others with endo, get the pleasure of looking six months pregnant frequently.

For me at least, this bloating is frequent, extreme and painful, which is what sets it apart from being bloated from your period or pasta intake.

Within the endo community we call this bloating ‘endo belly’, and along with fatigue and nausea is one of my most prominent symptoms.

And apart from the pain, you know what this makes really difficult? Pants.

Read more
My Thoughts: Swimmer Disqualified for Ass Showing

My Thoughts: Swimmer Disqualified for Ass Showing

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Shocking footage of me in 2014 being an athlete and… ***having a body***

A story that has made it into the mainstream news sphere over the last day that you might have seen is the outrageous body policing within high school swimming in the USA resulting in the disqualification of a 17 year old girl.

Breckynn Wills was disqualified after her school-issued swim suit rode up her butt during a race, under a ‘modesty rule’ from the National Federation of High School Associations (NFHS) stating:

“Males shall wear suits which cover the buttocks and shall not extend above the waist or below the top of the kneecap. Females shall wear suits which cover the buttocks and breasts and shall not extend beyond the shoulders or below the top of the kneecap, nor cover the neck.”

This is what Wills was pulled up on, the official who disqualified her said her suit was “so far up [they] could see butt cheek touching butt cheek’’, it’s important to reiterate her that Wills is underage.

Read more
Why Shopping Sucks For Body Positivity

Why Shopping Sucks For Body Positivity

Body positivity isn’t something that comes easy.

No matter your body type, as women especially, there will always be something deemed ‘wrong’ with it.

And we’re surrounded by messages of this constantly, from Victoria’s Secret’s refusal to diversify the size of the women in their shows, in order to maintain the ‘fantasy’ that plus size women couldn’t possibly sell, to the plus size models we do see having ‘perfect’ hourglass figures.

Even when there is representation of bigger women, it’s still clear that there is a right way to be bigger, and that is *white*, with defined waists and smooth stomachs.

Not to mention the amount of stores that get away with not even catering past an Australian size 12 or 14. Read more

Things I Actually Recommend Watching

Things I Actually Recommend Watching

I spend a lot of time watching Netflix, and streaming movies and TV shows in general and while I have issues with so much of what I’ve watched there is some great stuff out there!

But where to start?

Well, here’s seven I love and think you will too. Read more

Trinkets – Female Friendship and Predatory Behaviour

Trinkets – Female Friendship and Predatory Behaviour

Ok, so it’s well documented at this point that I have a love hate relationship with Netflix when it comes to their original productions (see here, here and here).

But sometimes they do alright, so I was excited to see the promotions for ‘Trinkets’ popping up.

Three girls, forming an unbreakable bond, beautiful friendships forged over a mutual shoplifting habit.

And for that part of the show, it was really great.

I’m late on writing about this, I watched the whole series pretty soon after it was released.

Honestly, I was hoping that someone from the show or from Netflix would come out and confirm that the adults in this show were younger than we thought and it was all a misunderstanding so that I could write about the things this show did so well.

But that was unrealistic, and I still feel uneasy about the show as a whole, because the reality is the issues in the show are serious and they overshadow everything good about it. Read more